


Gods don't do it better

by karlaakamsloki (lababykarla)



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: I hope it makes someone laugh, This is nothing but crack, all crack aboard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 01:02:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3432281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lababykarla/pseuds/karlaakamsloki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane claims gods are bad at sex, Darcy test this theory with disastrous results.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gods don't do it better

**Author's Note:**

> Couldn't focus on my current story so I wrote this.
> 
> Hope you guys like it.

It's their second day in Asgard when Jane comes to her room in tears.

Darcy can barely make out what she is saying in between sobs but the words that she does hear sound like 'Thor' and 'bad at sex'.

"Wait, what?" Her mind is probably tricking her if she thinks she hears Jane saying Thor is bad at sex.

"Thor, oh god and I'm suppose to marry him but he's so bad, you don't understand how bad. Darcy hold me." And then she has her hands full of Jane and she is just confuse as hell.

"But he's so pretty." Darcy murmurs against Jane's hair and the comment only makes the scientist cry harder.

Darcy pats Jane's hair while she thinks how Jane should have probably slept with Thor before accepting his marriage proposal, though it's not like she thought Thor was going to be bad at sex.

"He...he didn't know how to use it." Jane's confesses, face red with a mixture of anger and sadness.

"He's so old though, I mean he should have tons of experience." Rationalizing Thor being bad at sex is giving the biggest headache.

It just didn't compute.

"He does." Jane starts crying again, she throws herself on the bed and sobs for all she's worth.

"Oh my God. Do you think it's all of them because..." Her head had gone to naughty places with the Fandral dude and she is not afraid to see if Thor is the exception and not the rule.

"Oh God." Jane continues to cry and Darcy ignores her in favor of straightening the asgardian dress the maid gave her.

"Stay, I'll be back." She ignores Jane's cries as she leaves the room in search of a god to screw.

* * *

She's in her second attempt to find Fandral when she bumps into Loki, who is skulking around the hallways like the creeper he is.

"Mortal, what do think you are doing?" He says with the ugly sneer that's practically part of his face.

"Could ask you the same thing Uncle Fester." She tells him in passing, already forgetting about him as she looks for Robin Hood in metal.

"Stop, how dare you disrespect a prince of Asgard." The sneer intensifies and he looks kind of constipated.

"I hope you're face gets stuck that way. If it isn't already." She yells at him as she tries to walk away as quickly as she can, which is impossible in the uncomfortable shoes they gave her.

"If you're looking for your suitor, he's already fornicating with one of the servants." Loki says unhelpfully as he follows behind her.

"Dammit." She stops as she hits the hallway where she can hears the scream of Fandral's name coming from a shrill voice.

She turns to give Loki a piece of her mind because she knows this is his fault somehow but stops when she realizes he's staring blankly at her, his 'something smells bad' wince is gone and she can kind of see he's not that bad looking.

As soon as the thought enters her head she knows she shouldn't do it, beggars can't be choosers though.

"What?" He asks her as she thinks about it, Loki is after all a very dark soul and everyone knows man pain makes for way hotter sex.

"You'll do, where's your room?" She starts walking again towards her own room, already knowing he's going to follow her because he's an attention seeker and she can tell she's pissing him off.

"Why?" He asks as he catches up to her before and pointing to a different hallway away from hers.

"Because..." She gives a pointed look and if he can't figure it out then she didn't even need to have sex with him to know he would suck.

"Oh... I see." Loki's face breaks into a grin and she wants to slap herself for thinking he looks kind of hot.

"Lead the way Rudolph." She tells him and he practically  _skips_  ahead of her, like a fourteen year old boy ready to touch his first boob.

Darcy sends a silent prayer to whoever will listen before going inside Loki's room.

She barely catches a glimpse of the room before Loki is all up in her business.

He opens her mouth with his tongue and she almost chokes on it as he plunges too far in, his lips are too thin and she feels like she's trying to eat his face but Loki doesn't seem to mind as he makes dying whale noises.

The kiss is way too sloppy and it makes her feel like she's trying to make out with dog, saliva falling from their join lips and it makes her gag a little as she pushes him away.

"Bed, now." Loki eagerly follows her instructions and sinks onto the bed, waiting for her as she tries to dry her mouth with the fabric of her dress.

"Hocus pocus our clothes away." Because she can't even find the energy to undress, it feels like a step closer to a death sentence.

He gives her a confuse look and she sighs before tugging on her clothes, thankfully Loki gets the message and then they are both naked, him spread eagle on the bed and her trying to remember how this became her life.

Darcy inspects Loki's junk and he's not bad in length, she had bigger but that's okay, as long as he knows how to use it the length won't be a problem.

"Wait." Loki gets up from the bed and walks to the open windows, looking out buck naked like he's waiting for someone to applaud him for finally getting laid.

Then he closes the windows and the room is pitch black.

"What the fuck dude? What did you do that for?" She gingerly touches the bed and falls in it, waiting for Loki to do something.

"Mortal, let it be known we will do this the asgardian way. It is proper." She can  _hear_  the sneer and it makes her groan in frustration.

"So you guys do it in the dark?" Which what in the name of hell?

"Yes of course, we are not savages like you who succumb to carnal pleasure, we are an advance race and we act like it." He scoffs like this should be obvious knowledge and before Darcy can find something heave to hit him with, she feels another weight sink on the bed.

"I will now remove the covers from the bed." Loki tells her like he's reciting something from a book.

"Why?" She drags out the word slowly, not really wanting the answer.

"Because it is proper for us to do our fornication under the covers, to do so on the top would just be barbarian." She can hear him moving the covers and he almost throws her off the bed in his excitement to get rid of them.

"Dude, barbarian isn't the word you're looking for." Darcy murmurs to herself as Loki rearranges them both under the covers.

"Would you like me to prepare you?" Loki whispers like they're sharing a secret and she pulls back because his lips are too close to hers and she's not ready for another Loki kiss.

"Prepare me?" Which sounds terrifying as hell.

"I believe you mortals call it oral sex?"

"Oral? You do that?" After the proper talk about being in darkness and doing it under the covers, she is shock as hell to know it just wasn't a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am situation.

"Of course, it is after all where my silver tongue name comes from." The smirk is strong enough that she can feel it in the air and above all knowledge she decides maybe Loki can do the one thing.

Loki moves down on her under the covers, his breath ghosting over her skin as he takes his place in front of her open legs and she feels a tiny spark of arousal.

The arousal dies a sad, painful death as soon as Loki puts his lips to her vagina because Loki just isn't good, oh no he's beyond bad.

Darcy can only compare it to a dog trying to lick food from the floor, all sloppy tongue and no clit action to be found. Almost like Loki is hoping she comes just from him getting saliva all over her hooch.

She wonders if this is the time to get up and call it quits but for some reason she has hope the main event will at least be decent, she tries to think of things that turn her on as Loki continues to lick at her vajayjay like she has a river inside and he''s a lost man in the Sahara desert.

She's still thinking of Channing Tatum stripping when Loki stops.

"You are ready." He announces before moving up and settling himself between her legs.

She sends another silent prayer as Loki enters her in one stroke, it makes her wince but she doesn't voice her discomfort as he starts to pound her into the mattress.

She's grateful she can't see his face because she would probably cry.

Darcy stays still as Loki's moans quietly on top of her as he keeps on pounding her in a too fast pace.

She hopes he doesn't expect her to come because there is no way in hell she could, the pounding is too fast for her to enjoy and he's hitting all the wrong spots.

Her clit sits withered like an old raisin, forgotten like her boobs.

It isn't long before Loki shouts on top of her, dead still as he comes inside her before sagging on top of her. She pushes him off as he keeps on breathing like a fish out of water.

She rest against the pillows in total disbelieve of what just happened, a part of her thinking that maybe she fell in the twilight zone or that maybe she died and this her punishment.

"I gotta go." Because if she stays any longer she might kill him for being so bad, maybe she'll cut off his dick too to spare any other girl from making the same mistake.

"Mortal, I am not yet done with you." Loki says in what she assumes is a seductive voice but it just sounds like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.

She stands clumsily from the bed and trips twice before finding the curtains and pulling them back, her eyes burn for a second and she waits for them to adjust as she finds her clothes in a corner of the room.

"Mortal." Loki says in a warning tone.

"Bye! Let's never do this again!" She shouts as she runs out of the room, shoes left behind for better speed.

* * *

Darcy isn't surprise to find Jane in her room when she comes back but now it's her crying and Jane patting her back.

"It was so bad, he didn't know how to use it!"

"I told you." Jane says mournfully and Darcy cries harder in agreement.

They're both still having their pity party when there's a knock on the door.

Darcy prepares herself in case it's Loki or Thor but it's actually Sif who opens the door.

"Come with me." She says kindly, like she's well aware of the hell they just went through.

Darcy looks at Jane for guidance but she just shrugs her shoulders and gets up to follow Sif.

Sif guides them through a mess of hallways, finally stopping in front of a wooden door, there are two female guards in front of it and Sif nods politely at them before one of them opens the door.

Darcy is about to make a smart ass comment about the small room they enter because besides them is completely empty but Sif raises a hand to the farthest wall and taps on it six times before pausing and tapping six times more.

Suddenly there's a door and Jane almost screams with excitement because  _science_.

"Holy mother of...Loki and Thor?" Darcy corrects herself when she says Frigga sitting not to far away sitting primly, watching the action in front of her like a moderator and Darcy marvels at it too because it's nothing short of a lesbian orgy.

There are beds all around the big room, naked women everywhere and doing stuff Darcy didn't know it was possible to do.

"Is all of them?" Jane says with horror from beside her, Darcy is about to ask her what she means when she realizes Jane means is  _all_  the men that suck at sex.

"Unfortunately yes. The male ego is so fragile, we wish to not fracture it any further." Frigga tells them with a smile, "We fended for ourselves in times of war, we will continue to do so."

"That is so sad." Darcy declares as a woman in nothing but her bare skin comes to stand in front of them.

"Let us help you through this painful time." She bows her head at Jane before taking her hand, Jane looks dumbfounded but follows the woman anyway.

"But Fandral..." Darcy at least had some hope for him.

Sif snorts and waves her hand.

"Oh yes Fandral, the most fragile of them all. We take extra measures for him." Frigga tells her and Darcy almost wants to cry since all the pretty got wasted.

"Come, we will try wash away the horror that was Loki." Sif grabs her hand and Darcy only hesitates for a second before deciding nothing else matters at this point and to just go with the flow.

"So besides lesbian orgies, what else do you guys do in your free time?"


End file.
